Damn...

I was fired today.

Well, my 4 month probation expired and my place of employment thought it best that I didn't resume my contract here after that period, but when you technically think about it, its just a sugarcoat for the word 'fired'. They should watch more of 'The Apprentice' and get some balls.

Hell knows why and who cares, I'd rather not know what I did wrong otherwise ill just carry it everywhere with me, but it was a tad fucking frustrating been told week in, week out that I was doing a great job. Hell, I got a pay rise via my contract 4 days before my termination. Go figure.

The only really, really steep part about this is I have to spend another 4 weeks here before I leave, dealing with assholes who know, yet act like nothings going on. Plus they told me at 9:00 this morning which was great fun because now I'm stuck here till 5 wallowing trying to get my head around it. Ive never been fired before. Feels.....very releasing.

So no job, no girlfriend, a dilapidated car and remaining to live at home. Life's just peachy.

Shades of Lachlan

Last week I spoke too quickly when I dismissed the claims of the men who say they've found Bigfoot. When I logged back into their site this morning, I was delighted to find a new logo:

No two-bit fraud operation would ever use such an awesome logo.

Why, Claire, why?

It's no secret that I am madly in love with Claire Hooper, which is why I have difficulty coming to terms with the fact she is performing at a benefit for the most useless party currently in politics today.

I was amused at their poster though:
$10 more expensive for "Greens' Supporters"? What makes you a "Greens' supporter" anyhow? It's not a member. It's not an active disliker. Surely most of audience will be "Greens' supporters". You don't actually go and see Rod Quantock because you want to enjoy yourself. It's well known that nobody has enjoyed Rod Quantock since the mid-eighties, and who could forget his tenure as Captain Snooze?

Claire Hooper used to be cool. She used to be about the comedy, maaaaaan.

Open letter to Tamsyn Lewis

Dear Ms. Lewis,

Shut the fuck up.

Best wishes,
Australia
xx

PS. Seriously. Crying. Did you really expect to win? Or even place for a medal? We didn't. Not one single person, not even your parents, expected you to place. And then you cried, embarrassing our country and all it stands for. Our diggers didn't die at Gallipoli so that you could cry on national television. Oh, it's the drug cheats. Yes, you ran your heart out. You tried your best. Darling, that isn't good enough, so give up and never bother us again. Go and get a job in an Uncle Toby's factory or something. Seriously. We hate you.

Real Men

Even in restaurants on the hedonistic, party island of Hvar in Croatia, they know about real men. This was the photo I took of the picture and writing on the front of the men's toilet door at the Luna Seafood Restaurant.

Elijah would be proud. Unfortunately, because I was not wearing a Brioni suit, I had to use the ladies loo.

Notable Quotables

Speaking to Chuck A. Spear, currently on leave, on Gmail:

"I have to try and get a train to manchester. apparently there is a linen sale on there

bye"

Bye, Chuck. Enjoy the linen!

Making Australian films worse

As if our films weren't bad enough, now we're going to follow New Zealand's shining example of hit film-making with the appointment of a Kiwi to our new head agency, Screen Australia.

Let's forget for a second that almost all New Zealand films are American films (do not tell me LOTR is a NZ film) just produced in New Zealand, but they make about five films a year. Of course, SA were no-doubt impressed by her credits, and probably want some of that sweet, sweet American money coming this way, but with the dollar in the condition that it is, it ain't gonna happen.

Screen Australia should have been the opportunity to actually inject some creativity and bold ideas into the arena, and wash away the inertia of the previous regime, but it's looking like it's going to be the same old under a new name. I, for one, look forward to the prolonging of the evergreen excuse that "Australia, as a nation, hasn't had any real conflict, therefore we can't do real drama" which, believe it or not, is the internal reasoning used among the heads down at Film Vic.

Tool Of The Week

Its all about the Olympics and this Tool of the Week, nay, Tool of the fucking Millennium goes to superstar Swedish wrestler Ara Abrahamian for his killer effort in sportsmanship.

Love the foreign language (it was the only available video on YouTube), but for those who don't have the ethnic tongue:

Abrahamian grudgingly climbed the podium for his duel bronze medal win, but stormed off in a huff after receiving the medal which he left at the centre of the competition mat before stalking off the stage with a raised clenched right fist. Abrahamian thought he had beaten Andrea Minguzzi, the eventual gold medallist in the 84kg division in the semi-finals, which would have earned him the right to compete for gold.

*sigh* What else is there to say about this. The lack of sportsmanship coming from this burk is incredible and I pray to god his medal gets smelted down into a permanent bronze suppository

Well, hooray

The Age is reporting that two rednecks are claiming to have caught Bigfoot. You'd think that with a war in Georgia (ceasefire shaky), and the Olympics they might actually have real news to report. Even Brendan Nelson's overseas trip to world powerhouse Equatorial Guinea should rate over this.

Here is a picture of the alleged animal:

Verdict: Lame.

This website is claiming that they have definitive proof that it is a hoax. That proof consists of people chatting on a forum. Um, great proof there, folks. Very scientific. It also must be said that the website is a rival Bigfoot hunting outfit. I have no doubt it's a hoax, but you're not going to hear a fair and balanced story from those guys.

Here's a pic from their main page:

Here is a far more accurate version of this image:

Here is a YouTube video of a third-party, a man named Tom Biscardi, who is notorious for conducting similar hoaxes in the past:



Naturally, he's being interviewed on that bastion of intellectual, conservative thought, Fox News (no doubt in between two global warming denialist pieces).

Apparently, they are going to do a press conference tomorrow. We'll see what comes out then.

Their website can be found here.

Video Game Review #1 - GTA IV

Before I start, I've never given a video game review on RB before, so it'll be interesting to see if people actually take interest or not. Although you never know with the crowd we get here, Surname gets no comments on a political post, yet a barrage of people take a surprising interest in cow-humpin'.

I am an avid video game fan. Don't get me wrong, I'm not the kind of person who wastes countless hours playing and spending every penny I have on numerous games, but I enjoy picking up a virtual weapon and blowing someones face off after work. Satisfaction plus. So what I'm about to say next will probably get me killed on the street because uttering the following words seems to be an unspoken crime. Here we go:


I'm ducking now to avoid any sniper's aiming through my window, but I stand by what I just said. The reason people get all pissy is because this game's supposed to be the bee all and end all of video games, the most realistic, good looking free-roaming design ever made. Which is correct, it is very true to life and incredibly sexy, but that doesn't change the fact that I didn't like it. Here's why:

1. The Map Sucks.

Lets look at GTA: San Andreas. The game was getting incredibly popular after Vice City and the pressure was on to create a better GTA on the same console. So they improved a few features here and there, but the thing that gave the game its glory was the map. It was larger than your Aunt Agnus, the ability to travel between three cities through countryside, climb mountains and just generally explore everything made people shit their pants in excitement, not to mention the ability to swim, drive boats, ride motorbikes, work out at a gym, sky dive and mountain bike.


Just look at that shit, awesome. Now take a look at GTA IV:


What the hell is this? Why is it so small? This game was supposed to wow everyone and instead, they take a city that's already been used, reshape it so it vaguely resembles New York and dish it out to us with a side of steaming dog shit. The main contribution to why this failed was because the main aspect of the game, the landscape, was totally unimpressive and why would you want to play a game that you've technically already played (see GTA III). Oh, and as for all those new features? Yeah, skydiving, the gym and mountain biking are gone and replaced with a mobile phone. Oh wow. Would you rather jump out of a plane with no parachute and face plant the ground at lightning speed, or prank call a pizza shop? Snore.

2. The Missions Were So Boring.

I really cant stress how bad this is without you actually playing the entire game through and if you have, then you can agree with me. Again, moving back to San Andreas, you come to a city as an African-American ruffian looking to make it "to the top" and you eventually do, taking over big ass mansions and making you feel like there's some progress happening in the game. Then the entire city goes postal and you unload your glock into a firetruck to end the game. GTA IV? You come to the city as a Russian ruffian looking to make it "to the top", but all you do is TALK about making it to top because you spend the game as a hired gun doing shit for other people whilst seeking revenge and when you get it, you continue to do shit for people, then the game abruptly ends. That's it. No progress, nothing. Its so god damn boring I wanted to punch something.


That's another thing, I ended the game with something like 65 grand, and I cant get rid of it. Seriously, in other games you can buy property and shit, but in IV all you really need is weapons and that costs you dick all. So what do you do with the other 60g? Dick. Another thing the game does is spends literally a quarter of its missions explaining how to play. Look, every gamer alive has played a Grand Theft Auto at some point and if they haven't, they've played a game similar. Everyone knows how to drive a fucking car or shoot a weapon, so why do Rockstar waste 8 separate missions explaining it?

3. It Was So Easy.

I have Liberty City Stories on PSP and I spent days on a mission that seemed impossible. Sure it pissed me off to no avail, but at least I kept cracking away until I finished that bastard and continued on my merry way. I beat GTA IV in just over 14 hours.

I am not fucking kidding.

I even spent time doing the occasional side mission like taking my girlfriend out on a date (for no other reason than to hear simulated intercourse, yawn) and I still pulled that time. Its got nothing to do with me been good at the game, but every mission was the fucking same so once you get the first couple down, the rest just become so incredibly easy. Sure there was some awesome stuff like hanging off a moving truck and climbing across the roof before jumping through the windscreen and kicking the driver in the face and out the door to the pavement, but why couldn't the entire game be like this? They give us a rubbish map, the least they could do is making the game play more exciting. Oh, and having the ability to catch a taxi everywhere for less than $50 kinda speeds things up to a point where driving becomes totally unnecessary act.


I'm not as bias as some may think, so ill list the shit I did like about the game:

- Graphics are second to none, virtually flawless.
- Characters are a good laugh.
- The ragdoll effect when you ram your car into a wall, throw yourself out the windscreen and wrap your limp body around a pole rocks balls.
- The radio stations contain some incredible music, as with all the games, and my favorite broadcasting comedian Lazlo is back with his own channel.
- Having the new ability to crouch and hide behind walls. Some people criticise this for been to difficult but I never once had an issue. Hell, it saved my ass more times than I can count.

I just received this from a friend:

"all I'm saying is, how much longer do you think GTA would have lasted if they kept doing the same old shit? there was nowhere they could take it from SA; they had done it all by that stage. the only logical next step was to begin bringing realism into it, and that requires taking the game back to a realistic level"

This is one hundred percent true, but there's a certain point where a game needs to draw a line between realism and fun. Can you imagine if they released "Melways: The Game"? Sure, you could drive around an exact replica of Melbourne, but it begs the question; why the fuck would you WANT to? So fine, create a realistic game, but then why go and make it even more boring by putting shit missions throughout it? There's so many unexplored ideas that could have taken advantage of the new consoles graphics engine, but all they explore is the same 5 ideas and modify them consistently and then go further by creating some of the most boring side missions in gaming history. I'm flying over golf driving ranges, roller coasters, theme parks, but can I use any of them? No. Why the hell not?

In conclusion, drive around, blow shit up and enjoy the most fantastic looking game ever made. But don't expect anything else out of it because it totally fails to deliver. I'm not going to use a numerical rating because you shouldn't base your judgment off a 5-star system.

You want a number? How about 4, as in "4'k you".

Blue Screen of Opening Ceremony

I hope the person responsible for this mistake was executed.


Appalling.

Going a bit too far...

The lesser media is abuzz with news of Stephanie Rice being a marketer's dream. This may be true, but I'm not really sure about her first endorsement...

Also, the graphics design whiz who dummied up that box should be fired.

Halsocan sucks

Haloscan is down, comments are currently disabled.

I have received word from a chain-email that Haloscan has been hacked by hateful right-wing nutjobs in a conspiracy to shut down the free speech of the Left.

Update: Everything is working again....kinda. But you can post comments.

A Mooving Moment

You know hilarity will ensure when you see something like this:

Exactly four hundred? I'm sure he didn't count them.

"A TWISTED oddball with an insatiable animal fetish was arrested after allegedly having sex with 400 cows.

The 53-year-old cleaner told police he did not fancy women and only cows and horses got him randy.

Getulino Ferreira Paraizo said he chose the more tranquil animals before engaging in sex acts with them. "

Read the opening again:

"A TWISTED oddball with an insatiable animal fetish..."

Isn't that great? I think I'll use it as my ice breaker. Anyway, it gets better:

"Police accuse him of torturing the animals, sometimes ripping out their eyes before having sex with them and then killing them.

Among the clues he left behind at every scene were empty packages of the same cookies.

Police found another packet on him when they arrested him."

Cookies? Animal sex? Eye gouging? I'm brainstorming a Disney movie as I type.

Losers, all of them.

Is anyone else disappointed by the performance of Australia's Olympians so far?

According to AOC boss John Coates, we should get used to it:

"I think what we're seeing so far shows that the US, Chinese and the Russians will again be one, two and three, and I think Germany will get fourth. I feel pretty sure the Germans will take that fourth position. "What's left is that we'll be fighting for fifth with France and Great Britain.''

Fifth? Fifth? I don't spend my tax dollars for Australian athletes to lose abroad. I send them to win.

I say, if they don't win a Gold medal, don't let them back in the country!

Keep the fuck out, Hackett:

Meanwhile, Stephanie "Things that make you go MMM" Rice is welcome to come and stay in my house. I only have one bed, so things might get a little uncomfortabl(y sexy)e. But Hackett has shamed himself, and unless he wins the 1500 gold we will no longer be welcome at my house, in my bed, or in my country.

We really aren't doing well at all:

Of the seven stories, only one of them has an Australian actually winning. A "little-known" Australian at that.

We spend so much money on athletes, what is the reason we can't do better? How come we don't have any good track and field athletes? Is it because T&F requires good coaching, not just throwing money at them?

Tamsyn Lewis was complaining in the lead-up that she would be racing against drug cheats. That may well be true, but even if she wasn't, she still wouldn't win. Tamsyn is a career loser, one who will never win a medal, one who was never going to win a gold medal.

Tamsyn, shut up.

I say, send Tamsyn Lewis to Wales. There is a country in dire need of some actual athletes, and maybe Tamsyn will lead them to glory in the 1500 metre cow-pat run.

Hot though.